I busy myself with you

I busy myself with you at times,
I study your lines in my mind and find
my fingers carving out your shape in mid air;
they have a better memory than I do.

I move effortlessly in your direction,
my feet carry me to the corner of this empty room,
where you once stood so close to me.
You chose me, proposed life and things to me.

Trying times are these, struggling to find you.
Where do I start?
I park myself in front of your wardrobe.
Those clothes, hanging, will they just suddenly fill
themselves with you if I look hard enough.

I pick up your old scarf - it still smells of you.
I imagine breathing in your warmth,
the softness of your neck,
it used to feel like home.

In the hallway I see your keys.
I hold them and try to feel the hands that spent
so much time around them.
Nothing.

It’s starting to get cold in here.
I feel a shiver, my voice echoes around
and comes back to me empty handed.

The dusty chandelier seems to stare back at me
through a veil of dirt, like a lifeless corpse.
A blank empty cold stare as if it were looking
through me, saying, “Well, what did you expect?"


The old floorboards creaking under me
feel tortured and parched.
With every step they groan and creak,
like an innocent victim accused of some terrible crime.

I see a haze of light penetrate the curtains.
It comes into the living room like a temporary visitor

treating everything it touches like an object.
In a few hours it too will be gone making way for that

all too familiar, all too comfortable darkness.

The darkness that now fills all the empty spaces you left behind.

The darkness that now sustains me.

The darkness that helps me close my eyes,
explore this place and search for you.

I awake to find you lying next to me.
I turn to see your sleeping face, so peaceful.
I reach out to touch you, then stop myself, no, mustn't disturb you,

You may be searching for me in your dreams as well.

© j4dyd2012

Last Days

Last days are connate in me,
Arrive by flight so quick, how long I have longed for thee
Im free now, in your embrace,
I trace the lines of my tears down your face

Flames become embers; extinguished,
Dissapear into the night I wish
I had time to bid fare thee well completely
Slip gently into history, pages turn, new chapter, lest I forget thee

Dust settles on you and me,
Endearing you to me this time,
This time we had, finally, I feel.

Pain makes me human, you made me real.

Envelop my soul, I smoulder to be with you

Leaving you behind, in the distance, I have to,
Wrap your final gaze around my person
Shroud me from my destiny, love; eternal.   

I am used to love in a different way

“Heaven is up there”. Where?

Is it in the stars where no one can see?

Is it on Mars inside a secret city?

Is it in the midst of a treaty signed

by God and to yourself? For confess

your sins, no one will hear.

I have come to this city so no one has to

bear the burden of truth that is you and me.

We are not assimilated into negativity and

here on these clouds lies the answer.

I am used to love in a different way.

I am used to an obsessive love,

A 24 hour love,

A quiet don’t really have to say anything love,

A don’t have to drive just stay here love,

A love that was born inside a red rose,

A love that was created from a piece of ancient prose,

A love that says here I am for you to abuse and after you have abused me,

I will still be standing here waiting to give you a second chance,

even though you have already had a hundred of those.

A love that wakes me up like coffee,

A love that wakes me up like coffee,

A love that smiles at me like toffee,

A love that cries with me till the dawn turns blue

and a love that wipes all the tears I can’t shed.

We are bred in a different way you and I.

I am not important to me. I don’t even exist.

Can you see my soul? Can you see the sparkle in my blind eyes?

Can you see the night as it folds around us like a blanket?

and can you see the heights of the ones who have come and gone before us?

I wonder. I fly high and I wonder the meaning of all this.

I am out here lost and you; you just lay there

and adhere to your 10 o clock curfew.

Oh yes you have work tomorrow.

Just go to sleep

I hope you wake up more beautiful than the first day I saw you.

© j4dyd2003